I haven’t spoken yet throughout our walk in the park today. And I know that, though I haven’t looked back at you, on your face is a look of worry—the same one you always wear when you know you’re in trouble. But today I don’t have any intention to yell at you or scold you. In fact, today, I just only want to spend time with you if only in silence.
We come upon the same bench we’d always stop by, and I sit on it like always and enjoy the scenery. The sun always reflects beautifully on the lake from this view, and it leaves me content. I hear a small sigh and look towards you, thinking you were the culprit. I didn’t realize the heavy sigh came from me. However, I still stay quiet, only giving you an apologetic smile before returning to gaze at the water.
I see you crying in Mother’s arms. When you finally stopped, your eyes were puffy, and I laughed at how ridiculous you had seemed. I see you smiling this time at age five, picking wild lilies while dancing to a soft song you hummed. I still plant those same flowers in front of the house. The scene changes, and you’re ten, rolling around on the floor, playing with your closest friends. I had approved of them, and now I see that they truly were some of the best choices you made. Seasons came and went, and you’re crying insufferably, your head buried in my lap. I could only stroke your hair as your heart continued to break. That time, I had cried with you, but in a deeply hidden part of my mind, I was happy because what I had feared did not happen yet. It was too soon when you left for college. You came home any time you could, instead of feeling burdened, I was happy. During those days, it felt as though you never really left, and the fear in my soul was again for naught. That fear only came back when you returned, your arms looped around his and your fingers entwined with his. I never imposed on you, never expected any answers, but I still did not approve of him even to this day. I thought you deserved better. I made sure you knew that, but still you insisted on him. I only gave up when I saw the ring that sat on your finger. I was angry, yes, but I didn’t let it show so as to not upset you. My greatest fear returned…Before your wedding day, he came and spoke to me. I felt guilty that I couldn’t see the good you saw in him, but the promise he made me calmed my nerves. I still cried when you were given away at your ceremony the next day. I probably cried more than Mother, but I didn’t feel foolish. My fear still lurked around in the back of my mind.
I sigh again. This time, I am fully aware of who the sound came from. There is a yawn, and I turn to glance at you, you who caresses your stomach. I motion you to come sit with me, just as we had done as children. You obey just like always. I hum that lullaby I had made just for you, the one you simply adore, and you rest your head against my shoulder. I don’t blame you. Pregnant women tire easily, after all. And as you sleep, my watery gaze never leaves your fragile form. This is probably the last time we’d spend together in years maybe, if I’m lucky.
But I won’t burden you with the knowledge of knowing my darkest fear, the fear of you being taken far away from me… I never wanted that to happen because you are my pride and joy. I’m sadder than you can ever imagine, but tomorrow at the airport, I’ll smile just for you.
There shouldn’t be a need for you to know your older sister’s heart and regrets…